Last week I wrote about the importance of values, one of the central aspects of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This week I wanted to share the other major contribution of ACT - the acceptance of unwanted negative emotions and private experiences.
Somehow we've developed a culture here in Australia, one we share with some other countries such as in America, where if you are experiencing anything other than gleeful joy when you "jump" out of bed in the morning well there is just something very wrong with you. Ok I'm exaggerating, but seriously it is quite likely that if you are experiencing an emotion that might be considered 'negative' (although the word 'uncomfortable' is preferred from an ACT perspective) such as sadness, loneliness, anger or fear for example that these emotions will also come with a layer of self-judgement or criticism for feeling that way.
This 'toxic positivity' might take the form of an inner critic asking 'Why do I feel like this?' and then assuming 'everyone else looks so much happier than me' which infers 'there's something wrong with me for feeling this way'. Or perhaps a feeling a loneliness comes with the admonishment 'I must be such a loser to be in a position to feel lonely', again the assumption is often that other people are feeling a lot better than we are and it's abnormal to feel the way we do.
ACT likes to differentiate between the first emotion that is a direct response to some trigger event in our life, which can be referred to as a 'clean emotion' and the second set of emotions, or 'dirty emotions', that come from the self-judgement and self-criticism and often takes the form of shame, self-loathing, anger or disgust towards ourselves. The fact is that these dirty emotions only compound any negative emotions and can also keep us stuck in a negative cycle of thinking and feeling.
Drawing from the practice of mindfulness, taking a non-judgemental and accepting approach to our emotions releases the layer of resistance formed by the 'dirty emotions' and we only need to "deal with" the clean emotions. Not only is this approach more helpful, but you can probably see that it is also more reflective of the reality of the world - that many experiences in life are hard and have a degree of suffering resulting in feelings such as sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, anger, guilt or regret for example. These feelings are totally normal and not something to feel bad or ashamed of. The daily scrolling through smiling faces of our peers on social media certainly doesn't help us reality check these assumptions about how happy the rest of the world is. A little dip into the world of ACT with it's messages of acceptance may be just the antidote we need.
If you'd like to get more benefit from Acceptance and Commitment therapy check out the book 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris or if you have specific challenges you would like help with you could find a therapist who is trained in ACT.
If you would like to know more about my work I'd love to hear from you via my contacts page. I am a Clinical Psychologist based in the Inner West of Sydney offering both in person and Telehealth sessions.
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