Why Children Blame Themselves for Abuse and Neglect — And Why It Matters

Trigger warning: Discussions of the consequences of childhood abuse and neglect.

One of the most heartbreaking — and consistently observed — truths in mental health is this: when children are neglected, abused, or grow up with their emotional needs unmet, they rarely blame the adults responsible. Instead, they blame themselves.

Even though it's the job of caregivers — usually parents, but sometimes other adults or older siblings — to provide love, safety, and support, children will often turn the blame inward. They'll think, "If I'm being treated this way, it must be because I'm bad, broken, or unworthy."

This pattern isn’t limited to one country or culture. It’s seen across the world, suggesting that this self-blame might actually be a kind of survival strategy. The idea is simple but powerful: if a child believes the problem is them, then maybe they can fix it. They might try harder to be “good,” quieter, more helpful — anything to earn their caregiver's approval and avoid further harm. It’s a desperate attempt to regain some sense of safety and control.

Because here’s the thing — the alternative is terrifying. If a child blames their caregiver instead, they’re left feeling powerless and vulnerable. After all, they can’t force an adult to change. So blaming themselves, while painful, gives them a sense of hope. “If I just try harder, maybe things will get better.”

Sometimes, children even receive this message directly: “You’re so difficult.” “You’re making me angry.” “Why can’t you just behave?” These words reinforce the belief that they are the problem — even when they’re not.

But even in homes where these things are not said out loud, the belief can still take root. If a child’s emotional or physical needs aren’t being met, or if they’re being mistreated in some way, they’re unlikely to see their parent as the source of the problem. Not because they lack intelligence — but because their brains simply aren’t mature enough yet.

In early childhood, the brain is still developing key functions like perspective-taking and critical thinking. Jean Piaget, a pioneer in developmental psychology, described young children as “egocentric” — not in a selfish way, but in the sense that they struggle to understand other people’s viewpoints. If something bad happens, their instinct is to assume it’s about them. It’s only around early adolescence that the brain begins to develop the ability to see the world more objectively.

In some families, the confusion becomes even more complicated. What if your caregiver sometimes shows love and kindness — and other times is hurtful or neglectful? Many people feel a deep sense of loyalty to their parents, especially if there were moments of genuine warmth. To acknowledge the harm can feel like betrayal. It might bring up guilt, shame, or even fear of losing that connection. This is particularly true for people who were “parentified” — when a child takes on the role of caregiver, feeling responsible for their parent’s emotions or well-being.

Whatever the reason, this pattern of self-blame runs deep. It often shows up later in life as feelings of low self-worth, difficulty trusting others, anxiety, depression, or struggles in relationships. These beliefs — “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t deserve love,” or “I have to be perfect to be accepted” — are often planted early and take root in the unconscious mind.

That’s why healing them isn’t just about logic or reason. It’s about reaching those deeper emotional layers. In therapy, part of the process is helping people reconnect with the truth: You were never to blame. You were just a child, doing your best to survive.

Two of the approaches I’ve found most powerful for this kind of deep healing are EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Imagery Rescripting. These therapies help people access the unconscious layers of memory and belief, gently rewriting the old narratives that no longer serve them.

Recovering from childhood trauma is rarely easy. But understanding why we blamed ourselves — and learning that we didn’t have to — can be the first step toward reclaiming our worth, our voice, and our power.

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If you would like to try these interventions I offer in person sessions in Lilyfield and Stanmore in Sydney NSW as well as Telehealth sessions across Australia. I am currently completely accreditation as an EMDR practitioner through EMDRAA to ensure I am offering the highest quality EMDR interventions. Reach out via the contact page if you would like to book an initial session.