One thing that surprised me when I started working as a psychologist was how much our communication skills contribute to our mental health and well-being. I really didn’t expect this to be such an important part of treatment and am still shocked by how much helping clients improve their communication skills can improve their symptoms of depression and anxiety.
What is also surprising is how few people grew up in families with good communication styles. As we tend to inherit the communication styles of our family of origin most of us could improve our interpersonal communication skills at least to some degree. It can be interesting to consider the cultural influences of your family’s communication style. One of the biggest cultural influence on Australia has been that of the English who tend to be a bit indirect in their communication styles (think of Jane Austen) and don't really talk a lot about feelings. Famous English sayings like having a “stiff upper lip”, “cheerio” or "keep calm and carry on" are clear examples of cultural expectations with regards to talking about our feelings or needs.
Many of these attitudes would have developed from or been influenced by cultural stressors such as the World Wars and the Great Depression, where getting on with it was exactly what needed to be done. However, these attitudes do not allow much time for feelings and emotional needs to come into consideration. If we are impacted by this cultural influence we might not be that confident speaking about our needs and feelings or might not expect it to be well received. Take a moment to consider the cultural influences on your family’s communication styles. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
There are 3 commonly defined types of communication styles that can be helpful to understand:
Passive style:
This is where we don’t speak up, or we might go along with what other people want and generally put others needs and preferences before our own. Overtime this style can lead to the build-up of resentment and lead to an angry outburst in a more aggressive style. Or this style can be paired with a “passive-aggressive” style of communicating where disapproval and unhappiness is communicated in an indirect way through things like sulking, sarcasm or even hidden punishments or sabotage like the time an angry wife scrubbed her husband’s toothbrush in the toilet bowl and didn’t tell him.
Assertive style:
This is where we communicate our thoughts, feelings, needs and wants directly, clearly and calmly with consideration for how it will be received and the other persons thoughts, feeling etc.. We balance both our needs with those of our speaking partner. Here we are upfront with stating our boundaries and we don’t back down on our important boundaries even if we get push back or disapproval from others. We are able to compromise where we feel genuinely happy and comfortable doing so and it would not lead to over-sacrificing or subjugation of ourselves.
Aggressive style:
This is where we do not consider the thoughts, feelings, needs and wants of our speaking partner and do not respect their boundaries. We may interrupt them, speak over them or raise our voice, shout or become intimidating and dominate our speaking partner so they back down and give into our wants and preferences.
Both passive and aggressive communication styles can lead to interpersonal problems overtime including losing respect from others as well as a loss of our own self-worth and self-esteem. Being aware of our communication style and trying to practice a more assertive style of communication are the first step in building our ability to communicate assertively. Sometimes there are deeper blocks around communication that are worth exploring with a psychologist so that communication issues are no longer a factor holding back our mental health and well-being.
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